I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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