I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
