I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
