hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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