I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
