my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
