Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
