I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
