how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
