Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
