well he's currently spooning the coffee table
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
