As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
