I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
