i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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