your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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