Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
