Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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