About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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