I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
