Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
