Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
