I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
porn star boner night. come get it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
