My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
