life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
