Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
