So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
