Don't make out with my wife yet
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
