Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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