I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
