I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
