Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
When are your genitals available?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
