I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
