I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You need Xanax blowdarts
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
