I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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