finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
