Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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