She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
ttyl tear gas
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
