Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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