worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
