allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
