I'm pants shitting drunk right now
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
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