Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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