I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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