If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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