i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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