Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
