it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
