For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
