i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
