apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
